So, after feeling pillar to post for the past several hours, I come to the camera then the page (or screen) to put that advice into practice. It is a glorious Autumn day here in this corner of the world. Last week's frost flattened much of the garden but a few dahlias have remained and the Monk's Hood is in it's glory.
The other reality of the day is that we have just learned that my husband's father is gravely ill. He is in sepsis from an infection and as the medical staff searched for the source of the infection, they discovered that he has liver cancer. Now, he has been struggling with a slowly progressing dementia for some time so it is not like he is being struck down in his prime and yet... I am struck by the poignancy of lives that fade away.
It is difficult to find words to describe the present moment for me (or for my poor father in law). He and I had a difficult relationship. I did not wear my womanhood the way he thought was proper and I usually refused to 'fake it' for him. That did not stop him from reminding me of how a woman should be. Didn't I do any needle work? (At that point it was the farthest thing from my mind.) Wouldn't I sing a song for him (only if he would sing along the way we do music in my family...) and what did I have against guns...? Oh, up until the past two weeks he has been a feisty, opinionated, well dressed charming (most of the time) man. The dementia grounded him badly but he still had a lot of language and could express his opinions even if the range of topics were quite limited.
Helping to take care of him since last January, our relationship changed. I suppose the gift of caregiving is about finally putting away pride and appreciating the basic human condition that we all share. My husband would tease me about how I flirted with his father to convince him to shave or let me cut his nails. You couldn't have paid me to flirt with him in the first twenty years of our relationship. But now, here was a man who had been so fastidious about his appearance, it seemed a small thing to do to help him preserve his dignity. I grew to appreciate the many ways he made his mark upon the world and enjoyed reminding him about his WWII service, childhood on the farm, work as a draftsman, decades on town commissions and work with the Lions Club. Just the other day, I brought him his Lion's hat. He had begun to feel a bit better in between hospital stays and he put the hat on his head and said 'I'm quite fond of this hat...' So sweet. Not a word I would previously have applied to him but his vulnerability and the truth of his life shone through at that moment. He has lived his life well, if not as I would have lived it. We struggled because we each had ideas about how the other should be. And yet, here is the reality. We are each blessed by those who inhabit and energize our lives. They help us write our stories and make our individual marks upon the world. I am grateful and sad for him and for all of us who will miss him when he goes.
Having lost my father in law to bladder cancer this past June, I know,something of what you are experiencing. Imlovedmhim like a second father, and he me, but after divorcing his son, I felt I had disappointed him and stayed away too much. I felt fortunatentomspend the last two months of his life visiting with him and bringing him treats. I miss him but am grateful I was able to make my peace with him, and now I am continuing to visit his widow, so as to not miss the remaining time she has left. Peace be with you too.
ReplyDeleteThank you Rose. The more times I have the opportunity to sit with loved ones at the end of their lives, the more I realize the gifts in these times... Thanks for sharing your experience on this path.
DeleteYour change of heart is true to my experience with the dying - many differences fall away, and what is important comes forth. I'm thinking of you in this hard time. My own father-in-law recently died very slowly, and no matter how much notice people have, it's hard for kids to accept a parent's death.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jeanne. I do love how you use your blog to bring things down to the basics; a very Zen thing to do. Since writing the post my father in law has stabilized and will be getting hospice services. In the meantime, we've lost three members of my father's family (two of his siblings and one cousin). We've come together and as my religious beliefs have drifted from my upbringing, I anticipated difficulty in joining them in the grieving and rituals. Happily, my worst fears were not borne out. In fact, at my uncle's mass, the priest recognized those who were of different faiths and those who were no longer participating in the Catholic Church. It was healing. And who doesn't like a little healing during times of loss? Hope to post about it, once father in law gets settled and we regain electricity. Again, thank you for your very authentic writing.
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